RSS

Category Archives: Chinese

on the rhode

So, the ever so slightly creepy Gary Rhodes takes us on a trip across China.  I’ve joined him right at the start of his three week culinary journey in Hong Kong and he’s already picked up a couple of lovely ladies along the way.

Two ‘apprentices’ were selected in the UK to join Gary on his travels.  I presume they expressed an interest in accompanying a famous chef across a far away land for nowt, trying some amazing food, meeting lots of nice people and being on the telly … oh, and a bit of obligatory animal cruelty as well.

Melissa and Teresa seem like ideal candidates; enthusiastic with some background knowledge (Teresa’s parents are from China and Melissa recently returned from the Far East on a college trip) they get involved whenever possible.

Rhodes introduces us to the delightful Chef Po and they cook on a waterside set up with the Hong Kong skyline behind them where Gary is told “the Cantonese eat anything that flies except an aeroplane, anything that swims except a submarine and anything with legs except a table”.  We are given a brief masterclass in making soy sauce and how the taste differs between the various types.

Next, Chef Po takes Gary to one of the oldest eateries around where beautiful looking suckling pig is made and Gary has a go at dim sum.  Now, when someone says ‘one of the oldest restaurants in XYZ’ I imagine we’re looking at a Rules-like 150 years minimum but this fabulous local place is a mere baby at 80 years old.  Meanwhile our intrepid Brits are exploring the streets with food bloggers and Gary joins them just in time for some snake soup.  Teresa explains on her UK Food TV blog; “I went for some snake soup at Shia Wong Hip. I have tried it before so the thought didn’t bother me. Hats off to Gary though, because he tasted snake bile. He even drank the pure version, with water rather than rice wine!”   Rather you than me, Gaz!

 

Advertisements
 

YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WAN(T)

Gok Cooks Chinese. Brilliant. Ronseal, mate. Can’t possibly imagine what’s going to happen now. Oh, I can. And I have. And now I’ve watched it, unnecessarily. This programme is so utterly, utterly pedestrian in its format and execution it could almost be on prime-time midweek Channel 4. Oh.

You probably know Gok. I have a near pathological aversion to the sleb-rag X-Factor daytime TV entertainment that smothers mainstream UK media – like drowning in a mix of fake tan and regurgitated WKD – and even I know who fucking Gok Wan is. I know what to expect. Specs. Camp. Asides. Well, thankfully, no one is keen on disappointing me. He actually comes across as entirely charming and personable, and he obviously loves his food. Shame that whoever produced this almost supernatually ordinary ‘vehicle’ had about as much imagination as a free prawn cracker starter. There was a budget, yes, and they spent it on speed-ramped rostrum pans, a lifestyle-porn kitchen big enough to take a moody lighting rig, pointless Jolliver animated inserts, will-this-do? voiceover, yeah yeah. There’s an insert of Gok standing and throwing things about which unfortunately reminds me of the opening titles of the Ali G show. The familiar grammar of a hundred precedents. Let’s make this cuddly. Let’s make this easy. Let’s make this boring.

So Gok gets to work on fried rice in ‘his’ whoah-no-really posh kitchen. “Egg in the wok, a little bit like an omelette”, he opines as he, um, scrambles the eggs in the bottom. Bish bash frozen-pea bosh and he serves his rice on a board, with chilli sauce overflowing on the edge, like someone completely fucking insane. Things pick up when he starts cooking with his dad Papa Wan, who is dry as a bone and great value. He used to work in various Chinese restaurants (as very clearly did Gok, judging by his seriously fast cleaverwork and casual pan flipping). The usual family photos and bonding follow. It’s all about the sleb journey, right? Gok’s strangely unappetising-looking stir-fried beans with shrimp are trumped by his dad’s nommy pork char-sui. They also, surprisingly, make a version of the joke once delivered in public by Prince Philip: “If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

Still, at least parental chipping makes for drama of sorts. Back at Wan Towers, the vehicle drives on solo. Thoroughly unconvinced, Gok reads the VO script anyway: “So simple, so quick.” (with a vast stock cupboard of dry goods.) “…that you can get really easily from the Chinese supermarket” (well, yes…) “You can be the Bruce Lee of your kitchen.” (FFS). Even the one blatant innuendo is forced out through gritted teeth. The producer used it anyway. Do I have to? Yes, Gok, you do.  

As mentioned, his food unfortunately doesn’t actually look all that special to the eye, but the presentation has been porned-up to the max. So this lovely simple you-can-do-it home cooked food goes to the tracking shot ‘pass’ on huge slabs of Michelin-y greenstone and slate. He clearly knows his shit though; there is a lovely illustrated tip about cutting meat at an angle to hold its shape, and a delightful cheffy moment where he seasons cooking food by dipping one side of his stock-wet ladle into a bowl of pepper and the other side into salt before returning it to the wok. He’s got it.

The really, really annoying bit comes when he visits the kitchens of Hakkasan, the multi-award winning, game-changingly excellent Chinese restaurant. We get to watch the head chef make beef with black beans at high speed, as his brigade watch nervously. Gok gets out his PE teacher stopwatch and times it at 1 minute 41 seconds. This is sped up, as a montage. We don’t get to see a top chef make a dish in less than two minutes. That, apparently would be boring to the audience, rather than fascinating, especially with an detailed voiceover. Nope. One minute forty one of high-speed sexy cheffing? Nah, people would be switching over to Auction Hunters, mate. What utter contempt for the viewer. What a waste of time. What a waste of Gok.

 

Tags: ,