baking bad

10 Apr

SIGH Unfortunately I have to blog the good, the not-so-good and the bloody awful.  The Fabulous Baker Brothers are getting a repeat on More4.  Baking powder? Ex-squeeze me?  Yes, if there’s one thing I don’t want repeating on me, it’s this.

Now, I like to think I’m a reasonably nice person who tries to see the good in most people.  I feel bad at bitching for no real reason and I often default thus: “oh, I’d have a drink with Gareth Southgate no problem but his post-match interviews leave a lot to be desired …” etc.  However, even I would struggle to nip down to the local boozer for a drink with the Herberts (even if I was in Chipping Sodbury).

A butcher, a baker ...

I would politely request that anyone currently finding Rachel Khoo annoying watch one episode of FBB – you will never complain again.

Having said all of that, I have managed to watch almost two entire shows and decided to make one recipe from each: the sticky sticks (CHURROS, callthembytheirname!) and the fish curry.  It’s not that their food doesn’t look nice or tasty or easy to make, I just find them unbearable.  There, I’ve said it.

The opening show of the series I have managed to forget but the second opens with the statement “these recipes are so fast they make Usain Bolt look like a Sumo wrestler” and the second half: “these recipes are so fast and furious we’ll probably get a speeding ticket from the food police”.  FFS.

The first recipe is a standard soda bread – easy.  I’ve made this lots, it’s a great introduction to bread making and, as a very lazy person, I find it quick and simple.  Good start, maybe I’ve got them all wrong.  The butcher one (Henry) explains how to make butter – oooh, that’s pretty awesome actually.  Then they get on to their weekly PIE WAR.  Butcher boy makes something involving black pudding and Baker boy makes chorizo style sausage rolls while uttering “my pies have whoop-ass written all over them” 🙄

A slightly worrying part involved Tom the baker scraping the contents of his onion mix from a frying pan into his bowl of meat WITH HIS HAND.  Yeah, ‘health-and-safety-gone-mad’ but still!  Don’t be cool like Tom, kids, y’hear?

If there’s one genre of television programme that doesn’t need to be made cool or funky it’s cookery shows.  I really don’t think it needs it.  ‘Cool’ recreated by middle-aged TV types never works.  In my mind, things stopped being cool after Network 7 – maybe that’s just me.  Jamie Oliver’s downfall is his catchphrase (a new one for each new show it seems) and Gordon Ramsey, well his little recipe inserts are quite ridiculous (ONION. CHOP. FRY……CHEESE! GRATE. STIR. ….. DONE!).  People love the basics in both recipe and format.  FBB has quick editing, lots of twatish jappery from the brothers dim and that script!  This episode contained 3 x “SPANK!” and 2 x “naked” [shudder]

Another aspect of this whole, incestuous, affair is artisan bakery.  This is a personal issue but I have a problem with with this recent attitude to bread.  A recent Great British Food Revival episode had Roux Jr explain his obsession with bread and how as many people as possible should make their own or buy from an artisan bakery.  He went to E5 Bake House to see how they make their outrageously pricey fare.

Yes, I happily eat meat from Ginger Pig or cheese from Neal’s Yard where the food is more expensive but everyday stuff is purchased from a supermarket like everyone else.  I don’t want to be patronised by bakers and chefs or guilted into paying £5 for a loaf of fucking bread.  A shop brand white loaf is £0.47p (Tesco) £0.69p (Sainsbury’s) and £0.50p (Waitrose) – a far cry from the blue stripe £0.15p it once was.  For those who can afford it, knock yourself out.  For the thousands of families without, a basic slice it is.  I have, once again, taken the lazy route and use a bread machine.  In six months I’ve bought bread only a couple of times.  I realise this attitude won’t go down well with the French, say, or takotsubo so it’s whatever floats your boat.  Mind you, this is from someone who’s gone to Melton Mowbray for afuckingawesomeporkpie 🙂

It was awesome.


2 responses to “baking bad

  1. takotsubo

    April 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    Hey! I own a breadmaker too!
    As for artisan bakers though; meh. When you (alright, when I) go to a farmers’ market and buy veg, it is perhaps 50% more expensive than supermarket veg and often 100% tastier. When you buy an ‘artisan-y’ loaf from the same place, it is probably 600% more expensive that supermarket bread and, what, 100% better? Maybe not even that.

  2. Fanny

    April 10, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    Hey, up the breadmakers! The Fanny attitude is seasonal & local which sounds poncey as hell & is said every 2 min but British it has to be (not organic). Carsmile exclaimed when we’d gone through the asparagus to find out later that we’d accidentally bought Peruvian rather than British!! #middleclasswoes


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