Category Archives: Dessert

dressed to depress

What did you want to be when you grew up?  A friend dressed as a ballerina to a recent party themed on that very question (it was a strong look with a definite 80’s vibe) and it got me thinking.  I have never wanted something so bad that I would dedicate my whole life to it.  An ice skater … no, a vet … actually, directing music videos is what I want to do.

Now that I work from home (in none of those fields, sadly) I have the time to plan meals and do a bit of cooking but realised I could never have a career in food when creating a birthday meal for him indoors.  He’s all about the beer and food matching and all that jazz so I made a effort … and a monumental mess.  The smoke filled air turned blue then I dropped the C-bomb as beer hollandaise flew over the floor and myself.  The moment of truth had arrived: I can never apply to be on a cookery show.  I think it was Mat Follas who once said if you want the cameras to leave you alone just swear – they’ll edit it out.  If that’s the case I would only appear entering the Masterchef kitchen and later in the silent line-up before my name is called and I’m told to leave, “and take your potty mouth with you.”

Which brings me, vaguely, to this season’s Great British Menu.  I’m not a regular watcher by any means: I find it confusing.  Jennie Bond presented, then there was a public vote, then you got a mentor chef, then … It’s hard to keep track. I probably wouldn’t have watched this year to be honest but I noticed a familiar face in the trailer for the ‘South East’ heat: ‘Rising star’ Lee Westcott.  The Typing Room has been highly recommended by friends and I was greatly impressed as he took in the Masterchef cooks for a lunch service recently.  He was patient, seemed like a decent bloke and you cannot guess the number of things he can do with a cauliflower.  I’m a sucker for open kitchen arrangements (see my love for Pizarro and Konstam (RIP)), it’s near my favourite cocktail bar and judging by his performance thus far ‘Rising star’ Lee Westcott likes a swear or two.  “Who turned the [beeping] timer off?”  “No [beeping] way did you guys deserve a 5!”  No, they fucking didn’t, ‘Rising star’ Lee Westcott!


Matt, Lee, Daniel & Mark with the thousand yard stare

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the brain works very weird at this hour

Yessssss, I managed to find an obscure lyric from a song called Alaska.  Get me.

OK. let’s not beat around the bush.  Poor, lovely, beardy Iain was sabotaged by the most evil pensioner in Britain, Diana.  Well, that’s what you would think by watching the furore unfold Wednesday evening and throughout Thursday.

After an exceedingly pleasant evening beginning with Expendables 3 (everyone needs more Dolph in their life, right?) and finishing with some yummy Chinese, we returned home and switched on Newsnight to find Kirsty donning a pinnie and introducing the ejected Iain Watters.  WHAT?  This would never have happened on Paxman’s watch.   Read the rest of this entry »


Heston’s Fantastical Food / Dinner By Heston

This last week I have swum in both the deep and the shallow end of Heston Blumenthal’s pool. Lucky me, it was my birthday, and someone was kind enough to take me to Dinner by Heston, his restaurant at the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Knightsbridge, London. I also saw two and a half episodes of Heston’s Fantastical Food, his new ‘vehicle’ for Channel 4. It seemed like a good idea to talk about them together.

The restaurant itself is as modish and moneyed as you’d expect from a five star hotel sitting literally in the shadow of One Hyde Park, the most expensive property development in the UK. You enter through a bar filled with the sort of Prada-bedecked people I’d personally emigrate to avoid, but the restaurant itself, warm and beautifully lit, is bray-free. Dark wood and blown glass. We don’t get to overlook the fabled kitchen like some tables, but I’d take our spot again with its night view of the park. The concept behind Dinner by Heston is taking archaic British dishes, each one lovingly cookbook-dated on the menu, and celebrating and updating the ideas with pernickity attention to detail. As Matthew Fort said in a rave review in the Guardian, “Dinner reclaims and reinvents our own cooking heritage, reinvigorating the tired and ordinary orthodoxies of traditional British cooking.”

Unfortunately, the tired and ordinary orthodoxies of TV don’t come in for the same treatment. The high-concept elevator pitch behind H.F.F. is this: “Heston makes giant food.” That’s it. It’s window-dressed with his usual tropes of nostalgia, childhood flavours, and magical imagination, plus a parade of Roald Dalhl-ian silliness. But none of these quite support the premise or justify the means. “I’m going to expensively make an enormous thing, enlisting local people and food technologists up and down the land, and entertain the people doing so.” The giant fry up, the giant ice cream, the giant pot of tea. The ‘why’ is never really gotten to. And that’s the problem. There is no reason for this programme to exist. There is no good reason for the scale of the stunts – the glib explanations given aren’t even remotely convincing. The justifications – basically, that it will fire the imaginations of children – aren’t really borne out by the footage.

Back to Dinner. We skip the signature ‘meat fruit‘, a classic bit of Blumenthal legerdemain, and I go for Roast Marrowbone (c.1720) with snails, parsley, anchovy, mace & pickled vegetables, while my companion has the Rice & Flesh (c.1390) with saffron, calf tail and a red wine reduction. The marrow and snails are a little oily and samey for me but the Rice & Flesh is extraordinary; like a British risotto rippling with meaty unctuousness. Not remotely French, let alone Italian. We move on to the mains, and both decide to go for the Battalia Pye (c.1660), a barrel hoop crust filled with sweetbreads, lamb tongue, devilled kidneys and little pigeon legs, plus a little boat of the richest, densest lamb gravy ever devised by man. This is a potent celebration of meaty English flavours. You feel greedier with every mouthful. This is a pie, that most utterly Anglo-Saxon container. A pie filled with offal – which could similarly describe the sort of four-for-a-pound jobs you can get from Iceland – and yet it screams with flavour and texture and technique. It’s gloriously nostalgic and robust, and yet refined to perfection. It’s entirely Heston.

When Heston gets his lab coat on, special things happen. Like Ferran Adria, he seems happier experimenting, tasting, thinking, perfecting. Unlike Adria, whose distinctly Catalan take on molecular gastronomy is flighty and theatrical with nods to the avant-garde, our boy constantly returns to his well-worn themes of nostalgia, the tastes of childhood, and synesthesia. The bits on H.F.F. where he gets in the ‘lab’ and relates his ideas and technique are easily the best sequences; he looks relaxed and entirely in his element. This being Channel 4 TV, these scenes are pared down to the bare fucking minimum, in favour of pedestrian vox pop wandering and bonhomie with the cast of characters required, a job he isn’t really that suited for – it strikes me that this might work better as a two-hander with someone else to knock about with the public. The tone is uneven as well – when he gets wacky with the sketchpad and starts to look like a clunky fusion of Harry Hill and Joe 90, you wonder if the man who created a restaurant once voted best in the world isn’t going through some kind of midlife crisis. Do you really need to be loved this badly?

Back at Dinner, we’re onto Pudding. I thought the mains were good, but these really seal it. I get brown bread ice cream (c.1830) with salted butter caramel, pear & malted yeast syrup. I’ve had many salted caramel things before, but nothing even close to this; the texture perfected, the crunch, the presentation, the slightly savoury tone balancing the utter malty sweetness. Just amazing. My companion has the taffety tart (c.1660) with apple, rose, fennel & vanilla ice cream, which works a parade of flavours effortlessly. We wait a little while for the ice cream trolley to work its way round the last few tables. This slightly incongruous flourish could have been invented by Heston’s agent. Basically, they make ice-cream in front of you using a rotund, waistcoated man, a hand-cranked, hand-made mixing machine, and liquid nitrogen throwing billowing clouds and drawing everyone’s attention; a seaside science show. There’s a touch of apple coulis in the cones, the nod to finer things. Then you roll your ice cream cone in your choice of toppings; I go for sugar-coated fennel seeds, which were delicious. The whole experience borders on kitsch – perfectly executed kitsch. For this closer, they charged us £8.50 each, but given the twenty minute post-dessert wait and the extra couple of glasses of wine we ordered because of that wait… Dinner was not cheap. But it was exceptional, and the finest expression of what the man is good at.

Back in TV land, a giant, unflavoured ice-cream weighing one tonne is prepared (twice) by experts and craned onto a waffle-coated steel structure. Then Heston and his lad-mag boys fire ‘flavour bombs’ at it with cannons and paintball guns. There is a ludicrous and lengthy preamble to all this where he attempts to make a giant cone out of the normal cone-stuff that will support the vast weight – when it is clear to the viewing public, as it must be to him, that such a thing is impossible and another solution must be found. He gloomily goes through with the TV convention anyway. One tonne of ice-cream in a public park, rapidly melting. There aren’t enough kids in the crowd to eat even a fraction of it. His imagination is rampant, but the vast expense and wastefulness of this programme, in the lingering tail of a recession, in a country where seven million tonnes of food are thrown away every year (to the point where the government has launched a campaign to reduce it) borders on the obscene.

Please. Heston. Stick with what you are excellent at. Refuse to compromise with the idiots who run the idiot box. Stay in the public eye. Stay on television, but show people about work and perfection and glorious English cookery. Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve done a great deal for food and food culture in this country. You don’t need to do rubbish like this too.

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Posted by on November 28, 2012 in Channel 4, Dessert, Heston Blumenthal


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oh, oobee doo, i wanna be like khoo

Yes, I admit, I was skeptical upon seeing the adverts for a forthcoming show about a pretty lady in Paris – blurgh!  But I actually quite enjoyed it.

Maybe I stupidly fell for the lovely clothes, the nice lipstick and exciting atmosphere of gay Paris.  But what I did like was the size of her kitchen: she could stand in the middle, reach out and touch each wall.  Impressive.  Her simple French dishes were created on a little gas ring, grill and oven with the fridge doubling up as a chalk board (nice idea but there’s a far better Etch-a-Sketch in Chez Fanny).

Yes, I wanted to be one of Rachel’s hip mates, squeezing in to her petit appartement to eat madeleines stuffed with raspberries and curd and drink tea.  Well, maybe one day I will.  Rachel runs La Petite Cuisine a Paris out of her miniature flat so one day, I’m sure …

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i’d quite happily put my face in it

I think if a certain Mr G Wallace Esq were ever a guest judge on Top Chef: Just Desserts he might actually explode.

I’ve watched quite a few series’ of Top Chef and Top Chef: Masters over the years – they have the intensity of your MC OZ (screened six days a week) combined with our own MC: The Professionals.  Contestants on Just Desserts are all pastry chefs of differing experience and abilities with their main judge and pastry king being 50’s throwback Johnny Iuzzini.  Gayle Simmons is our master of ceremonies (a regular TC judge) and the Arsene Wenger of French cuisine, the wonderful Hubert Keller, completes the head panel.

Iuzzini, Simmons, Keller & the other one

Season openers always begins with the 12 (or so!) chefs meeting for the first time – it’s a common occurrence that there are familiar faces or the people have crossed pastry paths in the past.  The judges turn up and give them their first challenge.  “I couldn’t believe how beautiful Gayle was in real life and how Johnny’s eyes starred deep into your soul” was how one chef put it.

Let me tell you now, JD is camp.  Very camp.  You are beset by a visual feast of pink, chocolate, sugar and cream – your teeth will itch.

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the roux, the whole roux and nothing …

Recently concluded on Good Food is The Roux Legacy, a ten part series focusing on the legends that are the Roux family.  For the first time all four chefs unite to cook their dishes, recount some amazing stories and generally bicker like most families do.

The subjects of this programme are fascinating, the overall feel of it however is quite dated with a synth soundtrack and the occasional VT wipe …. niiiiice.  [I have just been advised that the main music used is Marillion]

As someone not old enough to know, it was a revelation to be told the Roux story – opening Le Gavroche when the quality and availability of British food was, by all accounts, appalling in 1967.  Their one ray of sunshine was Billingsgate Market where they would buy all they could and advise the traders what types of fish they should be stocking.  They became known as Mickey and Albie and pretty much transformed the way markets and shops were run.  In more recent years M&S had regular access to the Roux kitchen and changed how their own fruit and vegetables were packaged – green beans, for example, were top and tailed and stored in small, plastic trays – something you often see presented this way these days.

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familiar faces

Currently being screened on Good Food is Eating with the Enemy, originally shown on BBC2.  James Martin presents a cook off between two members of the public.  Their judges?  None other than Jay Rayner, Kate Spicer, Toby Young and Family Guy himself, Charles Campion.

Not content with putting the fear of god into our beloved Masterchef contestants they now have a show of their own.  James spends time with each amateur cook discussing their choice of main course and dessert.  The unsuspecting challenger gets a grilling in the Critics’ Chamber as they justify their menu then off to the professional kitchen to cook.

Of course the Enemy are harsh but fair and their final thoughts are given in the form of a restaurant review!

Once again, this doesn’t really warrant a full hour but it was almost worth it to hear Charles exclaim “LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO STUFF A SAUSAGE!”


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