What did you want to be when you grew up? A friend dressed as a ballerina to a recent party themed on that very question (it was a strong look with a definite 80’s vibe) and it got me thinking. I have never wanted something so bad that I would dedicate my whole life to it. An ice skater … no, a vet … actually, directing music videos is what I want to do.
Now that I work from home (in none of those fields, sadly) I have the time to plan meals and do a bit of cooking but realised I could never have a career in food when creating a birthday meal for him indoors. He’s all about the beer and food matching and all that jazz so I made a effort … and a monumental mess. The smoke filled air turned blue then I dropped the C-bomb as beer hollandaise flew over the floor and myself. The moment of truth had arrived: I can never apply to be on a cookery show. I think it was Mat Follas who once said if you want the cameras to leave you alone just swear – they’ll edit it out. If that’s the case I would only appear entering the Masterchef kitchen and later in the silent line-up before my name is called and I’m told to leave, “and take your potty mouth with you.”
Which brings me, vaguely, to this season’s Great British Menu. I’m not a regular watcher by any means: I find it confusing. Jennie Bond presented, then there was a public vote, then you got a mentor chef, then … It’s hard to keep track. I probably wouldn’t have watched this year to be honest but I noticed a familiar face in the trailer for the ‘South East’ heat: ‘Rising star’ Lee Westcott. The Typing Room has been highly recommended by friends and I was greatly impressed as he took in the Masterchef cooks for a lunch service recently. He was patient, seemed like a decent bloke and you cannot guess the number of things he can do with a cauliflower. I’m a sucker for open kitchen arrangements (see my love for Pizarro and Konstam (RIP)), it’s near my favourite cocktail bar and judging by his performance thus far ‘Rising star’ Lee Westcott likes a swear or two. “Who turned the [beeping] timer off?” “No [beeping] way did you guys deserve a 5!” No, they fucking didn’t, ‘Rising star’ Lee Westcott!